For the frustrated restorer, some weekend titter-fodder...
Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:02 am
...in motorcycle engineering terms:
Bling: A highly reflective finish much favoured by motorcycle restorers for paint and brightwork.
Brew: see Tea
Crappite: a metal of mixed properties and always the wrong ones; either too hard or too soft, depending on applications and desirability.
Dearth: A scarcity. Opposite of plethora.
Firkin: International measurement of over- or under-size. As in....."these rings are too firkin small!"
F***!!: The technical term used when something goes wrong, like stripping a thread or finding a gudgeon pin circlip on the bench after completing an engine rebuild.
Gnat's cock hair: Measurement in precision engineering. "I've machined a gnat's cock hair off the piston, but it's still tight in the bore."
Goosed: See Shot.
Kettlo-boiliosis: Time for a Brew.
Marlboro packet: Measurement in precision engineering. "The bore measures about the same as a Marlboro packet held sideways."
Nail: (Noun) - motorcycle in poor condition (see Shed); (Verb) - to fit a component: "I've nailed a set of lumpy cams in but it still runs like a dog".
Old nail: Vintage motorcycle of questionable mechanical reliability. Anything with side valves.
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of something to get it to work again.
Phukkit tool: The extendable magnetic tool that sticks to everything except the bit your trying to reclaim after dropping it down your camchain tunnel.
Plethora: An abundance. Opposite of dearth.
Portsmouth screwdriver: Lump hammer.
Right nail: Motorcycle lacking in design elegance. "That new model GZXR750VFF throws a wobbly at the hint of a bend. It's a right nail."
Shed: A dearth of bling.
Shot: See Goosed.
Smidgeon: Measurement in precision engineering. Bigger than a gnat's cock hair but smaller than an Marlboro packet.
Stuff: Plural of Thing.
Tappometer: See Portsmouth Screwdriver.
Tart's handbag: A plethora of bling.
Tea: A libation, the consumption of which takes place - a) whenever stress occurs, b) an error or breakage causes the use of the term 'F***!!', or c) hourly, whichever is the sooner. Footnote: the copious ingesting of tea has been known to cure practically anything at times.
Thing: Singular of Stuff.
Universal Adjuster: Hammer (or hide-mallet for the sophisticated bodger).
Unobtanium: Rare metal. "Can't get them any more mate, they're made from unobtanium."
and sellers' descriptions:
Good Runner...
You've got to be to start it.
Full Service History..
Washed it last week..
Original...
Was knackered when I bought it ..Still is.
One owner...
After another..
Low mileage...
This time around..
Future Classic...
No one bought one new because they were crap
Just needs tidying to finish..
Needs engine, electrics, documentation.
Collectors item...
Asking 3k more than its worth..
Crowd puller ...
What the f**k is that heap?
Basket case...
You have to be to buy it..
and marque descriptions from a Honda owner's perspective:
Honda = the ultimate love affair, to be cherished and cared for
Kawasaki = 'Oh sh*t! A corner, what do I do now..?'
Suzuki = still has the sticker warning that the brakes may be impaired when wet.
Yamaha = stops when it rains..
Sorry, British humour! I'm not responsible for any of them except references to tea consumption and Honda -- bloody anorak!
Bling: A highly reflective finish much favoured by motorcycle restorers for paint and brightwork.
Brew: see Tea
Crappite: a metal of mixed properties and always the wrong ones; either too hard or too soft, depending on applications and desirability.
Dearth: A scarcity. Opposite of plethora.
Firkin: International measurement of over- or under-size. As in....."these rings are too firkin small!"
F***!!: The technical term used when something goes wrong, like stripping a thread or finding a gudgeon pin circlip on the bench after completing an engine rebuild.
Gnat's cock hair: Measurement in precision engineering. "I've machined a gnat's cock hair off the piston, but it's still tight in the bore."
Goosed: See Shot.
Kettlo-boiliosis: Time for a Brew.
Marlboro packet: Measurement in precision engineering. "The bore measures about the same as a Marlboro packet held sideways."
Nail: (Noun) - motorcycle in poor condition (see Shed); (Verb) - to fit a component: "I've nailed a set of lumpy cams in but it still runs like a dog".
Old nail: Vintage motorcycle of questionable mechanical reliability. Anything with side valves.
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of something to get it to work again.
Phukkit tool: The extendable magnetic tool that sticks to everything except the bit your trying to reclaim after dropping it down your camchain tunnel.
Plethora: An abundance. Opposite of dearth.
Portsmouth screwdriver: Lump hammer.
Right nail: Motorcycle lacking in design elegance. "That new model GZXR750VFF throws a wobbly at the hint of a bend. It's a right nail."
Shed: A dearth of bling.
Shot: See Goosed.
Smidgeon: Measurement in precision engineering. Bigger than a gnat's cock hair but smaller than an Marlboro packet.
Stuff: Plural of Thing.
Tappometer: See Portsmouth Screwdriver.
Tart's handbag: A plethora of bling.
Tea: A libation, the consumption of which takes place - a) whenever stress occurs, b) an error or breakage causes the use of the term 'F***!!', or c) hourly, whichever is the sooner. Footnote: the copious ingesting of tea has been known to cure practically anything at times.
Thing: Singular of Stuff.
Universal Adjuster: Hammer (or hide-mallet for the sophisticated bodger).
Unobtanium: Rare metal. "Can't get them any more mate, they're made from unobtanium."
and sellers' descriptions:
Good Runner...
You've got to be to start it.
Full Service History..
Washed it last week..
Original...
Was knackered when I bought it ..Still is.
One owner...
After another..
Low mileage...
This time around..
Future Classic...
No one bought one new because they were crap
Just needs tidying to finish..
Needs engine, electrics, documentation.
Collectors item...
Asking 3k more than its worth..
Crowd puller ...
What the f**k is that heap?
Basket case...
You have to be to buy it..
and marque descriptions from a Honda owner's perspective:
Honda = the ultimate love affair, to be cherished and cared for
Kawasaki = 'Oh sh*t! A corner, what do I do now..?'
Suzuki = still has the sticker warning that the brakes may be impaired when wet.
Yamaha = stops when it rains..
Sorry, British humour! I'm not responsible for any of them except references to tea consumption and Honda -- bloody anorak!